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18 Things Not to Say to Someone Who Had a Miscarriage

18 Things Not to Say to Someone Who Had a Miscarriage

Words that mean well will wash out the pain; but the ones you are not careful of will make the listener writhe in pain. Be careful with your words, for once said, they can never be taken back. Especially in a situation that deals with the loss of life, make sure you watch and weigh your words before you utter them.
HerHaleness Staff
Last Updated: Jan 13, 2018
"Each new life, no matter how brief, forever changes the world".
-Anonymous
The moment when a lady gets to know that there is another life breathing inside her, is when she starts living more for that life and less for her. Her dreams take on a different course, and her thoughts spin a beautiful story. A story which recites the beauty of birth and life. A story wrapped with the threads of love and care, waiting to be unfolded, read, and experienced.
But what happens when the pages of this book, that tells the story of a mother and her unborn child, are left blank? What happens when the pages can't be filled with the bright colors of laughter and joy, and the dull colors of crying and tears? What if the main reason of why the story was being written, isn't a reason anymore? The loss of a child leaves a mother broken and shattered in a million pieces. And no matter what she does, or how far she comes along, a corner of her heart will always cherish those brief moments of life within her, and nurse the wound of that life being taken away from her, forever.
In such difficult times, it is important that you express your concern for the heartbroken souls of the parents of the unborn child in an appropriate way. You might say it with a hug or with consoling words, but keep these few things in mind that should never be said.
Things You Should Never Say to Someone Who Has Been Through a Miscarriage
Maybe it was meant to be.
Are you trying to tell the parents that the death of her unborn child was meant to be? No parent wants to listen to things that imply 'their baby was not meant to breathe, be born, or not live.'
It is not the end of the world.
For the excited, expectant parents, who were waiting with open arms to welcome their child with open arms, it was. The unfortunate incident crushed their dreams and hopes, and ended their world then.
Now you at least know that you are fertile and can get pregnant.
It doesn't take a death to know that you are capable of giving life. In such a time of grief and hurt, these are the most insensitive words to say and listen to.
You will do better next time.
It is this child that they wanted. It is this time that they wanted it to happen. Not the next time, not any other time. Also, the parents are mourning the death of their child, and cannot be in the right frame of mind to think about the next time.
I know how you feel.
No you don't. Everyone deals with their pain, loss, and hurt in a different way. Even if you have been through a similar experience, you don't really know how the expectant mother feels about her loss, about losing 'her' child. So, never ever say I know how you feel.
At least you didn't know the baby.
This is, in fact, what they wanted. To know the baby, hold it, love it, and watch it grow. The thought of not knowing what would it feel like to do all of those things is the most painful. Besides, this is a very insensitive thing to say, not only when the parents are in mourning, but at any time.
Don't worry, there won't be any more such episodes.
Unless you are a doctor (and even if you are, you are not God), don't give them false hopes, you don't know what's coming next. God forbid, but what if the same incident occurs again? To you, these words might sound comforting, but to the parents, or would-be parents, it sounds just uncaring.
Did you do something that you shouldn't have?
To a mother, nothing matters more than the well-being of her child (born or unborn). She would never do anything that would mean harm or danger to her child. When you say that, you mean to ask her did you not take enough care, which is hurtful.
It's okay, don't cry.
Let the parents mourn their loss. It is healthy. Holding back tears, emotions, and sadness could lead to a lot of negativity building up in the hearts as well as the atmosphere. It is okay to let them cry and feel sad.
You should thank God it didn't reach a later stage.
Two weeks, two months, two years. Doesn't matter how long the mother has been with the child, the loss affects her tremendously. Try to avoid saying such things that come off just plain insensitive.
God has better plans.
If God has better plans, do you mean that the death of her child was a 'good' plan? What if the mother can never conceive again? What if this was her one and only chance? How is that a better plan than this?
Thank God for the children you have.
Parents are ever thankful to God for their children. This child was, is, and will always be as important to the parents as their other children. The loss of this child and the presence of her other children can never be, and should never be compared. Nothing you say can rid the mother's heart of the pain.
Pick yourself up and move on.
The easiest of things to say; even if you mean it in the right context, it can hurt the parents. From your place, it is easier said than done. For you it might be a memory too painful to remember, but for the parents it is a memory too precious, one that they will never forget.
You will eventually get over it.
Only a mother who has ever had a child, or a lady who has never had the fortune of becoming a mother can understand that they can never get over it. Never. The thought that the parents will never know how different their life would have been with their unborn child in it will remain in their memories forever.
These things are common, they happen to everyone.
But it has happened to these parents for the first time. You may be used to seeing people who have suffered miscarriages in the past, but these parents have experienced it for the first time, and it is not a common thing for them. Don't ever say something as insensitive as this.
The baby is in a better place.
Than the arms of its loving parents? Or the cute nursery the parents already had set up for their unborn child? Or the baby carriage they bought for it just yesterday? For the parents, there is no better place the child can be in, than the parents' arms or the gaze of their loving eyes.
You are young and have ample time.
The thought of bringing in a new life at a time when the death of one is being mourned is very surreal. And the parents were ready this time. The loss of this child, the one they probably had even named, is painful for them.
It was God's will, your time will come.
Did God tell you that this was His will? Then how do you know it was what he wanted? And why was it in God's will to first present the parents with a gift and then take it away from them. You may mean well, but you should understand that the parents are in grief, and will not understand such things. You will only seem insensitive and uncaring to them.
No matter how closely related you are to the parents of the unborn child, nothing you say or do will make them feel any less worse or any better. Be there for them when they need you, and leave them alone with their feelings and thoughts when they ask you to. Give them their space. If you need to say anything, a hug and a simple 'I am sorry for your loss' should be more than sufficient.